Family Fun

Family Fun

Thursday, January 20, 2011

We did end up in the hospital last night to help Jubilee rehydrate. I tried urgent care first but they sent us on, saying she was probably going to be admitted. She looked terrible when we got there but after some fluids in the iv she perked right up. We were able to come home and she crashed hard and slept all night! She is still not feeling well, but she is recovering. We have to follow up in a few days because ," Her labs are off." I wanted a bit more info but all they said was that it isn't the flu(I knew this).
I was reading at Raising Arrows about her breastfeeding/conceiving journey and figured I would write mine.
I was told at 18 that I would not have children. Being 18 I really didn't process that info...children were a long way off and I just didn't focus on what the dr at the Army processing told me. 6 months later I was in the neurologist's office being told the meds he wanted to try me on would cause extreme birth defects so was there any chance I could be pregnant? I said I thought there could be a chance seeing as my husband and I didn't use birth control, but that I was told I couldn't have kids. Dr sent me downstairs for a blood test and Wow!!! I was pregnant.
I had Trinity a couple months after I turned 19. I was surely not going to breastfeed...that seemed far too sexual and gross to me. Then I had a traumatic birth and my child...a creation I didn't even know how badly I needed, was placed in my arms. I instinctively cradled her and put her to my breast and she latched on. It didn't feel sexual. It felt natural.The nurse tried to help me, putting her hands on me and moving the baby. That felt wrong. I was repulsed,actually. Trinity was tongue tied, would only nurse on one side. By her 2 week appt she had gained half a pound. The dr said I was doing good with nursing her! I was amazed...we were completely alone and struggling, but it was working. When she was 4 months old I was sooo tired. I figured the nursing spurts were wearing me down. When I went to a dr appt with her and mentioned how tiring the whole nursing thing was the dr looked at me and said it shouldn't be that bad. I sort of shrugged him off, but he thought we should do bloodwork. I was not very good at not taking orders from authority yet so I meekly obeyed. 10 minutes later I got the news that I was pregnant again! I didn't believe it. I was so tired that all I could think was,"We haven't even been together. Maybe once, but really?!? I was told I couldn't have kids at all, and now I am having two in one year?!?" My due date was Trinity's first birthday. The dr told me my body was working too hard and that I had to wean. Again, I meekly obeyed even though I was deeply saddened. I fell into bottle life and tried to make it fun with all kinds of pretty colors and lots of cuddling. I didn't ever want her to hold her own bottle. That seemed an insult, not a milestone.
Christian's pregnancy was difficult. I was working full time, opposite shifts from Brian so Trinity was only with us. My seizures were out of control and they experimented with 4 different medications, 3 of which I had severe reactions to. I was in and out of the hospital from seizures and falls. I spent my whole 8th month in the hospital, missing my baby girl. Christian was born 3 weeks early. I nursed him for two weeks exclusively, nursing in the bathtub when the afterpains put me out of my mind with pain. I had postpartum depression. I went back to work and struggled to pump even an ounce. WIC recomended I switch to formula. At 4 months he was completely weaned, and we had him on soy formula. I felt like a huge failure, but I was in love with my two babies and felt like motherhood was that thing which I had always wanted but didn't know about. Brian and I bought our first house and during the move we found out that we would be having baby number 3.Christian was 7 months, Trinity was 18 months.
Once again my seizures were out of control. Gavin was born 6 weeks premature. He didn't cry, didn't make a sound for the first 4 months of his life. I nursed him every time he moved, afraid I would miss a cue because he wouldn't cry out of hunger. He grew beautifully. When he was 9 months old I took him to a new dr. She chastised me for exclusively nursing him. He was ahead on his charts, he was thriving...but she explained that it was not good to have a baby dependant only on his mom for food. He needed rice cereal. He needed jarred baby food. Wasn't I on WIC? I was, I just didn't agree. I had started to research these things, form my own opinion. WIth head held high I thanked her for her baseless opinion and marched out. I never went back. To her, or any other ped. I ended well child visits that day. I took a step of faith that I could do what God had created me for.
After Gavin's birth I had reluctantly accepted a shot of birth control...just until I could get my saeizures under control.The day I got the shot I seized 15 times. I ran a fever of 105 for 4 days. I decided that I was not going to ever put hormonal birth control in my body again(that was the one and only time). However...the damage was done. I had my first miscarriage after the birth control wore off. Then another one. I grew desperate. I bought a saliva tester and checked my cervix and drank green tea. I contemplated weaning Gavin. After a couple months I became pregnant with Logan! Then Gavin did something shocking and refused to nurse anymore! I do not think it was because my milk changed, I think it was more due to the appetizing sippy cups laying around from Trinity and Christian. Whatever the cause, at 14 months we were done. My first baby to reach a year, my first baby to never be vaxed, my first baby to be worn. I learned so much that year. And we were a happy family! So I had a 24 month old, a 3 year old, and a 4 year old when Logan was born. He nursed so strongly that I bled. I pumped exclusively for a month to try to heal...usually pumping three full 8 ounce bottles per session. At 1 month he went back to nursing and we nursed for 19 months without a hitch(well, 3 bouts of mastitis, but anyway).I weaned him when I was 2 months pregnant.When I was 3 months I lost that baby. That was a much harder loss for me. It came on the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death. I had been due on my mom's birthday. I was devastated.
I concieved Griffon on the very next cycle after my miscarriage. I actually didn't know it was a cycle...I was bleeding, it stopped for a day and started again the next. Then 4 weeks later I had a positive test. I was so confused I thought maybe I didn't miscarry at all...then I had an u/s that dated the pregnancy and figured it out. Ileft Dr based care and had my first homebirth. Griffon nursed like a champ from day 1. At 20 months I found out I was pregnant and weaned him 2 months later.Jubilee was born at home, nursed beautifully. I never resumed cycles, she nursed alot! I felt that maybe I was done having cycles and all had to mean something. I prayed, alot. I felt stupid and needy for wanting another baby when I was already so completely blessed. I know people who struggle so hard to have one, and they were hateful about all my children. It didn't do to yearn for more. Yet I did. I loved my life with lots of littles and know even some that were bigger. I kept nursing Jubilee and just reached out to God for peace if I wasn't to have more. One day while taking care of the donkeys I was praying, telling God how I wanted another baby but it wasn't even a chance seeing as how I didn't have any signs of ovulation and Jubilee was such a heavy nursling.I heard an audible voice say," But I can do all things!" I literally fell down I was so freaked out. A week later I poas(as I do every month lol) and got quite a shock when it turned blaringly positive.I stumbled out to the garden and showed Brian. He laughed at my dumbstruck expression and at the fact that I have always tried to manage things that are outside my control. Jubilee nursed for a few months longer and self weaned at 24 months. Epiphany was born at home and has nursed like a champ from the get go. She still nurses like a fiend. She is 20 months. I have just resumed cycles. I have learned to quit trying to manage, control, or even guess at His wisdom and grace. I adore my children, I adore nursing them, I adore being a mom. I will be beyond thrilled to have another if I should be so blessed, and I will be okay with being done if that is how it goes.My home is filled with beautiful beings who make the world a better place.


  1. First of all, Epiphany is one of the most beautiful names I've heard for a little girl! Makes me smile!

    I also wanted to tell you I too conceived our 2nd child right after a miscarriage. And I too had a couple of "stumble out to the garden to tell my husband" moments. ;)

    Thanks for sharing!

  2. Amen mama! I just ha my third boy 6wks ago and I do pray for another! But if it's not in God's plan I accept his choices for me, and pray to accept it with reverance!

    Loved your story, sounds like mine!


  3. Wow, what a story! I enjoyed reading it. :) I'm sorry to hear you suffered those miscarriages after the birth control shot. You know what's ridiculous, I took hormonal birth control for a total of about 15 years! And I had no idea that I should question it. Bleh. But anyway, I had no idea you had a seizure disorder. It sounds so stressful! Is it under control now? I would have been shocked out of my head to learn I was pg 4 mos after having my first! Your story was fun to read. :)